Parenting is Heart Work

My learning style has always been ‘hands on’ and my leadership style – ‘heart first’. I was very blessed to have had Christian parents and grandparents who taught me to: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)

Human anatomy pictures the heart as having four main chambers: the top two chambers are called the right and left atrium.

The bottom two chambers are called the right and left ventricles. Each of these chambers has a valve that keeps blood flowing in one direction.

Parenting, in a similar way, has four main functions:
First, providing for a child’s basic needs (food, water, shelter, clothing). Second, ensuring a child’s physical, emotional, and psychological safety. Third, developing a child’s cognitive, emotional and social development. Fourth, disciplining, teaching moral and religious values; and how to make wise decisions.

All facets of parenting are important just like the chambers of the heart. They work together to have a healthy heart, just as parents are supposed to collaborate in order to raise a healthy child or children.

The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way that he (or she) should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

First parenting function:
providing for a child’s basic needs

During my childhood, dad was the primary ‘breadwinner’ for my family. My father and his father and uncle were all in the grocery business together in Uvalde dba Stewart’s United Super IGA (Independent Grocers Alliance). This afforded my mother the opportunity to stay at home with me during my formative years in Uvalde, Texas. The year after I was in kindergarten at Saint Philip’s Episcopal School, Mom started teaching music (part-time) to the children at Saint Philip’s, including Matthew (Matt) McConaughey. She taught with his mom (Kay), and they shopped at my family’s grocery store.

I was told he liked to ride in the cart as a little boy with his mom. That was one of the beautiful things about living in a small town and owning the grocery store – you would see families and friends shopping and catching up on the news. Even the 32nd Vice President of the United States, John Nance Garner, who served under President Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR), traded with my grandfather until he died in 1967. He would shell pecans and sell them to my grandfather and send his housekeeper to buy groceries.

Stewart’s United Super IGA was one of two major grocery stores in town and families would depend on us for food on the table (especially meat since we had our own butcher). Howard E Butt Sr., Owner and CEO of HEB until he died in 1991, admired my grandfather and even gave him notice before he opened the Uvalde HEB store in 1959.

He had bought one of our Stewart’s IGA stores in another South Texas town and turned it into an HEB. They were friends. In those days, you could be friends with your competitors. Grocery stores were one of the primary, owner-managed businesses among families for generations. When I was in the fourth grade, our family sold Stewart’s United Super IGA and then Dad went to work for a larger grocery chain out of Utah with stores in Texas (Skaggs Alpha Beta). After the sale, we moved to Plano. We always had food on the table, clothes to wear and a roof over our house. There was a peach tree and a pecan tree in our backyard in Uvalde plus an avocado tree (daddy’s tree baby) on the side of the house.

I certainly do remember the peach tree because I had to pick out my switch once when I was bad. I remember picking out a “good one” with knots, but thinking about it later that I should have picked a long skinny one instead. Lol. Parents would spank their kids when I was growing up; and discipline at home and at school was permitted. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” was often quoted by adults and it is referenced in the Bible (Proverbs 13:24). In contrast, God’s Word to parents: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21). God’s Word to children: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12).

I was blessed to have grandparents who lived on a ranch outside of Uvalde in Nueces Canyon. It was 1,000 acres and a kid’s giant playground. My cousins and I would run and play all over the ranch where the cattle and horses grazed. We loved watching deer leap behind the cedar trees and drink at the creek. You also knew to be careful not to step on a rattlesnake who were also prevalent around the creeks. If you were out past dark and on top of a mountain range, you might hear the howl of a wild animal (coyote or bobcat). Grandmom and I enjoyed watching fireflies dance while sipping grape juice out of Welch’s glass bottles from the front porch of our ranch house.

“Home, Home on the Range” (Daniel Kelley and Dr. Brewster Higley) where the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day.”

Second parenting function:
ensuring a child’s physical, emotional, and psychological safety.

Life in a small town happened at a much slower pace where everyone knew each other and it was peaceful. You could see the stars and hear the crickets’ chirp. In contrast, life in the ‘Big City’ (Dallas) had a much faster pace – buzzing with excitement from professional sports teams like the Dallas Cowboys, Dallas Mavericks and Texas Rangers (Dallas Stars came later). Many restaurants were nearby to dine before and after games. A suburb like Plano was a hybrid between a small town and a big city. You knew neighbors on your street, classmates and teachers in your schools, members and ministers of local churches, but not citizens city-wide. We enjoyed neighborhood ‘get togethers’. Teenagers weren’t obsessing over their social media pages. Talking was the primary form of communication. “Friday Night Lights” high school football games between cross-town rivals, such as Plano Senior High (PSHS) and Plano East Senior High (PESH) brought the entire town together to enjoy friendly competition – Wildcats vs Panthers. Sunday School and worship on Sundays, such as the one my family attended at First Baptist Church of Richardson, blended faith, families and fellowship with youth and adult choirs following on Wednesdays. People cared for one another and would help each other because of their established friendships in neighborhoods, churches and communities. Shopping in the Big City was a favorite past time of many and my family was no exception. North Park Mall in Dallas was a favorite place to shop and eat with my grandmother, mother and sister. We enjoyed the Mermaid Bar at Neiman Marcus and ‘eye popping’ decorations at Christmas that stretched from floor to ceiling. School and church choirs in Plano (like mine) would perform at the malls, such as: Collin Creek Mall in Plano. I enjoyed being on the Teen Trend Board for Dillard’s and modeled at seasonal events, such as the Back-to-School fashion show. And the Plano Balloon Festival was one of my favorite annual events – second only in size to the one in Albuquerque, NM.

I am so grateful for both experiences, city and country, for the people and surroundings both have shaped me. As I grow older, I often seek to find moments of solace and peaceful surroundings to breathe the clean air and hear the sounds of nature like Hummingbirds wings on the nectar bird feeder. My grandmom on the ranch loved hummingbirds and had a bird feeder; and my grandmother in Dallas loved to work in her vegetable garden. Because of their interests, I have developed a love for bird watching and gardening. When I was a young adult, I enjoyed the roar of the big city and to be at the top of a tall skyscraper looking out across the Dallas Skyline. One thing that was always central and common between both sides of my family (mother and dad) was our unwavering love and faith in Jesus Christ and His Church. Every member of my family was involved in church as a volunteer (Sunday School teacher – Dad taught 8^th grade boys; Organist – Mom played in church and for weddings, and sang in the Adult Choir; my sister and I both sang in the Junior High and High School Choirs and toured the country with First Baptist Church of Richardson).

Mom and Dad kept me involved in sports activities (tennis, drill team), which helped me to grow physically and socially plus develop a healthy self-esteem. These activities not only improved my social skills, but my confidence and mental acuity when you have to interact with others for a desirable outcome.

Most of the physical safety came from dad, like the top half of the heart – known as the atria; and acts as the heart’s pacemaker. Dad set the pace for our family (tempo and temperament – always peaceful). Mom was like the bottom half of the heart – known as the ventricles; responsible for pumping blood out of the heart to the rest of the body. She kept us on a schedule and managed our school, church and family activities.

Mom helped us with managing emotional and psychological challenges that were part of school and peer involvement.

Dad, as the spiritual leader of our family, taught us to: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). I believe because of Dad’s love and reverence for God and His Word that our family was always protected financially and physically. King David in the Bible said, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I may not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). And that was my dad. He was a wonderful, openly-sharing person about his faith in God; and he lived his life as a Christian father should. The most important role of a father is to teach their children about God and “to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind. And to love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39).

These are the greatest commandments according to Jesus. In the Old Testament, King Solomon who was believed to be the wisest (and richest) king in the world; and the successor to King David said in Proverbs 4:23: “…guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth and the light. No man comes to the Father but through me.” (John 14:6)

In Ephesians 5:1-2, the Apostle Paul tells us that we need to be “imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us.”

Dad was always a good listener and had a calm, quiet confidence about him with a good nature. He definitely was the ‘pacemaker’ or ‘peacemaker for our family. When I would be rattled or frustrated about social or emotional issues, he would calmly reassure me that everything would be okay. He was also the spiritual leader for our family; and the spiritual guidance and direction for our family came from him. He and I also shared a love of sports (especially tennis – playing and watching). We played in father, daughter tennis tournaments and enjoyed going to the professional tournaments in Dallas as well. Dad never made me feel like I wasn’t important or taking time away from his work, since his family was his priority. Mom had a similar parenting style, but had a more ‘bottom line’ approach and giving instructional advice as you would expect from a teacher with a ‘heart first’ approach. I was always able to call her classroom with a problem or issue, and the same for Dad at work. As an Eagle Scout and former Air Force Air Traffic Controller, Dad had a resourcefulness about him along with a ‘calm cool and collected’ demeaner. Dad was a good listener and he was patient. Mom was helpful as a teacher in the processing of events at school and when disappointments happened with classmates; she helped me to formulate a plan. Mom helped me in being able to navigate new friendships and teacher relationships halfway thru the school year when we moved from Uvalde to Plano. School was very different from Uvalde to Plano in that classrooms were open and you rotated through different rooms based on the subject matter (History, Math, English, etc.). I felt that I was behind academically when I moved to Plano and as a result, my grades were not good. Making new friends at the same time was distracting from my studies and overwhelming to manage. My solution was to just hide my papers under my bed. When Mom would ask me why I wasn’t bringing home any papers, I didn’t have a good answer for her – until … we had a meeting with the Fourth Grade Team Leader, Mrs. Wommack. My favorite elementary school teacher was my Fourth-Grade home room teacher, Mrs. Hipp. She was so kind and compassionate and understanding. She would call me “Steph” and then I would correct her and say, “It’s Stephanie,” and she would reply “Ok Steph”. When I was in high school, I heard that she had died young of a brain aneurism doing dishes. I was very sad to hear the news since I had loved her so much as my favorite elementary school teacher.

Third, parenting role:
developing a child’s cognitive, emotional and social development

My mother provided the structure and organizational skills at home that I needed to be successful in school and in life. Since she was trained in school to be a teacher, she was able to organize my notebooks and keep track of my syllabuses for each of my classes. This was especially helpful to me in Middle School and High School. My mother achieved both her and her parents’ dreams for her to be a teacher and receive a degree from Baylor University in Elementary Education. Mom told me that ever since she was little, she would play classroom with her dolls. “I would be the teacher, and my dolls would be the students,” she said. “Most teachers would say they share the same experience of wanting to be a teacher since childhood.”

Fourth parental role: disciplining, teaching moral and
religious values and how to make wise decisions

She was a ‘stay at home mom’ until I reached high school and my sister was in elementary school. As soon as I would come home from school, Mom was eager to find out about my day and had a snack prepared for me. As I grew older, I enjoyed watching Mom in the classroom and learning about each of her students. She adapted her teaching to the unique learning style of each student. While she was expected to teach a designated curriculum according to the Plano Independent School District (PISD), she would tenderly apply her ‘heart touches’ with books and writing assignments – specific to the interests of each child.

When I was in my mid 20’s, Mom told me about a new in-service teacher training she attended in the Plano Independent School District (PISD) about ADD and ADHD. She told me about ADHD being recognized as a documented disability in the ADA; and said, “I have a test you should take, and I think the results will be very enlightening.” I took the test and then followed it up with a visit to a local psychiatrist who was able to professionally diagnose me with ADHD. My mom told me not to concern myself with IQ tests or any other aptitude tests like the Graduate Management Aptitude Test (GMAT) because, “ADHD kids often don’t test to their maximum potential.” This proved to be true when I took the GMAT to apply for graduate school to earn my MBA. With extended time on the quantitative portion of the test, I was able to achieve an acceptable GMAT score to be admitted to SMU for my MBA. I had already graduated from Baylor 10 years earlier without the accommodations that would have greatly helped me; but ADHD had not yet been identified as a documented disability according to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Three years after I was admitted, I graduated with my MBA while working full time in the tech industry.

Mom was always so kind to bring information to me about the strengths of ADHD and the gifts that came with it, such as CREATIVITY, in spite of the many challenges associated with ADHD.

Corinthians 12:9-10 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I want to encourage others to achieve their dreams by sharing the gift of creativity that God has given me through music, writing and the creative expression – manifested in the character of PookeyTiger™ I invite you to celebrate with me the new website: PookeyTiger.com